Pen Green Centre for children and their families

MENTAL HEALTH BLOG: The BIG Blurtathon

I don’t do hugs

The BIG Blurtathon Friday 21^stSeptember 2018
By Emma Holton (Tutor and Student at Pen Green Research, Development & Training Base)

I have always been a worrier, I am accepting of this fact, however there have been periods in my life where this worry has spiralled out of control. I understand I am not alone in this and therefore, in support of the Blurt Foundations ‘BIG Blurtathon’ – with the intention of raising awareness and understanding around depression and anxiety – I have decided to share my own story in a blog.

Let me introduce myself, I am Emma, a tutor and student at the Pen Green Research, Development and Training Base and, full disclosure, I am painfully British. I say “thank you” to the self-service checkout and would join a queue to join a queue if I could. I talk endlessly about the weather and do not deem physical contact to be a method of comfort (you will nevercatch me offering a hug). I am also really bad at talking about how I feel and, to the detriment of my own mental health, often go through the day biting my tongue and holding back my emotions. This British, ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality however has recently resulted in me suffering physically, and in the form of panic attacks.

My panic attacks (and I assume everyone’s are different) would often come in the evening or at nighttime, after a particularly difficult day of ‘holding-it-together’. The only way I can describe them is to imagine the mostscared (without the excitement of say a first date or exam results day) you have ever felt – perhaps the moment you lose sight of your toddler in a busy supermarket, that brief second you nearly slip when stepping into the shower (and think to yourself “oh god, I’m going to die naked!”) or when you hear a noise in an empty house – then multiply that by one hundred and imagine you have no singular reason for feeling it. During my panic attacks I genuinelythought I was going to die. That’s not an exaggeration (despite being prone to doing so). My biggest, scariest fears swirled around my head (“I can’t breathe”, “I’m trapped”) and negative thoughts escalated out of my control (“the ambulance won’t reach me”). I remember one occasion where I had gone to bed early because I was feeling so awful and just quietly calling out “help me!” because, although I felt like I was dying, I simultaneously didn’t want to be a nuisance. (Although this story is told with my usual dry, self-deprecating sense of humour, please note that there was nothingfunny about this moment and simply recalling it here is fairly difficult).

I know it’s a cliché but, recognising your own self worth really is the key.

This was one of the hardest lessons I learnt about myself throughout this experience (and I can’t claim to have cracked it just yet, but): I am not a nuisance. My mental health is important. I do not have to ride the rollercoaster with my eyes closed, I can just say: “no thank you, rollercoasters are not for me” (an excellent metaphor but also an actual, real-life experience). You are important too. Recognise this and give your mental health the time and space that it needs. 

Talking about how you’re feeling (I know, I know *eye roll*) really helps. The Pen Green Centre is made up of a hugely supportive team of dedicated, kind and helpful people. In the Research Base, the tutors, administrators, mediaand finance staff all genuinely care about each other, as well as the students, alumni, co-tutors, caterers, the guy who empties the sanitary bins… their love is never ending! And because of this I was able to open up a little more about my fears, the moments I was feeling nervous or sad, and discuss what contributed to some of these feelings. Don’t get me wrong, there are also times where we may need to seek additional help from professional counsellors and GP’s or take medication to aid our mental health, but just being honest about some of my feelings relieved such a lot of pressure Iwas putting on myself to ‘keep everything together’. My colleagues now know, for example, that I am much more comfortable sat on the end of a conference row, near to an exit and I don’t have to worry about ‘looking weird’! Turns out, the Blurt Foundation are right, we should all be sharing our stories and talking about our mental health. It can only make the situation better for everyone. Although, side note: hugs remain off the cards.

Find out more about ‘the BIG Blurtathon’ and the work of the Blurt Foundation here: www.blurtitout.org/2018/08/10/big-blurtathon/  #weallhaveastory