Pen Green Centre for children and their families

When lockdown was first announced and there was a kind of ‘panic’, I found it important to try not to leap to any action, but to try and process stuff. It felt natural to try and process it with the team, to look at guidance coming out and think about: what will it look like for us? How will we manage this process? How will we move online? A group were right in the middle of a teaching week and were managed phenomenally, containing the students. There was an anticipation in the build up, until the schools closed. From then we have all worked effectively from home, and I mean worked. All of us have created a space in our homes and are working as hard, if not harder, than we would do in the office. And from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, I have so many things in my mind. I have the Research staff, all the Centre Leadership Team, and my family and my friends on top of that. I’ve really felt the need to process this and put some systems in place so that we feel contained. That is why we decided to do ‘check in’ and, although it offered a regularity, there were still anxieties that were building up and I felt we needed to create a space for people to process ‘on top stuff’ in smaller groups. I didn’t want to be part of that, because I think I bring something because of where I am in the organisation, but I think it has been facilitated beautifully and I hope people know I am available to them if they need me. That has been really important to me. I think when you see somebody, unconsciously you can connect with them to see how they are, and because I can’t physically see the team I have to go on what people say, and so people are on my mind because I can’t get that sense of what their day or evening has been like and I miss that. I miss that connection.

I have the benefit of having some amazing external supervision, that has given me the opportunity get rid of a lot of my own stuff, in order for me to be available for other people. Also, my Masters has given me an opportunity to really theorise about what might be going on because a lot of that’s connected. It has enabled me to slow things down, I’m not so frenetic with travelling, meetings are still there but I’ve slowed down. I have appreciated the technology, for facilitating opportunities for us all to come together. I am in awe of my colleagues, and my family and my friends. I have really enjoyed having time with them all. I love working from home, I really enjoy it, although I do miss seeing people, physically seeing people. I’m still as frenetic, still up at 6am, still on the computer and don’t get off till late, still making sure I keep on top of everything, but it’s a different kind of frenetic, it doesn’t feel frenetic, it feels more measured, but it’s just as busy…

Home has been lovely. At the beginning of lockdown my husband was furloughed, my daughter was not having to go to college and my youngest son was at home. My eldest son decided to stay in University, which was the right decision for him, he would’ve hated lockdown here. It felt like I could be really available at work because I knew Alex was around and when I finished work I would often go for a really long walk with my daughter. I also had some time off over the Easter holidays which was so nice. I was able to reconnect with my daughter, as a teenager I don’t see her much! It was so nice to reconnect with her, have that conversation, digest stuff with her, that was beautiful. I worried about my youngest son to begin with as he spent so much time on his PlayStation, it made me really anxious, but I recognised that he needed to stay in contact with people and that was his way of doing that. So, I just let it go. When we did things together, when he asked to, I was able to facilitate his learning in a different kind of way. My husband was brilliant, like a back up, he just did everything, all the everyday stuff. Now he’s gone back to work and my youngest son has just gone back to school. I’m so glad we made the decision to do it and he seems really content, but I suppose that was the first step, which was really hard. I’ve been going in to work so I haven’t been that anxious about being out amongst it, but I think he is so comfortable at home, I knew it would be tricky to get him back to school. That was really my biggest anxiety throughout all of this. The school have been fabulous though and he’s been fabulous, so I’m really pleased. The leadership team here have supported me to get him in, and it’s worked so far, but now I’m anxious about the holidays. Currently I get to Friday and think ‘Oh, we’ve survived another week’ and I don’t mean survived in terms of the virus, I mean we’ve survived all the change that’s occurring and never quite knowing what next week is going to bring. My son going back to school had a big impact on home and work life, it’s those kinds of things that are thrown in and it feels like being in a tunnel with darts being chucked at you.

I’ve missed physical contact. Online you don’t have that need or desire to reach out and touch somebody, but when I see somebody it’s so natural for me to just give them a hug or touch them in some way and not being able to do that when you physically see somebody is hard. I miss physically seeing the team, not touching, but just seeing them all and just being able to know that they are okay. I don’t think these online forums always provide an opportunity to have that conversation, but I do trust the team all know each other well enough to support each other too, which is important for me. I miss my eldest son massively, he’s coming home soon, but it’s been the longest period in my entire life that I haven’t seen him, so that’s really hard. And my Dad, I’ve seen him but because he’s disabled it’s been really difficult, I feel very protective of him. And my nephew’s been born during this process so I haven’t physically held him and that’s really hard. There’s lots that I’ve missed; just being around people and checking them out.

I have appreciated the time I have been given and where I live, the environment around me is beautiful and I am so lucky to have been able to explore it. I have appreciated my external supervisor, she has really held and contained me and that’s really given me an opportunity to do that for other people. I appreciated my MA, believe it or not, as escapism. It was really helpful to have something that I knew was going to end. That was really interesting. I have appreciated my family massively, virtually, and my friends, and the team. I think my family have been very humorous, we’ve done lots of stupid dressing up things, there’s been lots of warm messages and lots of time made for each other. I have appreciated the team, because they’ve all been really honest, authentic, creative, and energetic. I love how leaderful they all are, it doesn’t challenge me at all, I just love that, I feel, people can say what they want to say. And my friends for being playful, having lots of banter, lots of drunken nights, lots of late night chats. I think it’s the availability that others have made to me, that I have appreciated and I hope I have been able to give some of that back as well. I think I am able to give it back because it’s what I have received. This whole thing has made me consider the concept of containment and how important it is to for you to feel like you’re contained, so that you can really take on the anxieties of others and not be offended. That’s what good supervision gives you. It enables you to just offload and gives you an opportunity to connect with some of the feelings, so that when feelings are projected into you, you don’t become defensive. It means you can process stuff and you really hear what people have to say, because you’re not trying to battle with the internal turmoil that you sometimes feel when you’re not feeling that. That’s definitely the key lesson I have learnt through this process.